Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
