Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
