During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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