I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
