2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
