There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
