Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
