how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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