I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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