I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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