Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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