Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
