Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
