dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
