He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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