When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
