and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
