Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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