im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
