Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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