My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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