He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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