i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
