The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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