There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was CRYING into my vagina
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
