I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
