Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can you repeat that, but with context?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
