my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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