Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
