Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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