I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
