It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
