her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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