he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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