I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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