So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
