coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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