I can tuck mytits in my pants
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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