so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
