dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
