I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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