Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
