If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
