you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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