she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
