you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
