i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
