it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
