Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
