If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
