so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
