I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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