I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
