Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
