I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
