I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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