apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize