i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
