So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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